how am i . . . .
how am i supposed to lead worship for a communion night when the last thing i want to do is worship?
how am i supposed to speak to young people about love and relationships when everything i thought i knew about that stuff has been turned upside down in the last month and a half?
how am i supposed to pay bills when the absolute last thing i'm worried about right now is money?
how i am i supposed to live life to the fullest when i don't even want to get up in the morning?
how am i supposed to mentor/give someone advice about being a christian when thats the last thing i feel like?
i haven't wanted to admit it . . . but i am in a wilderness(seriously, thanks jim). i have no clue what i'm doing, where i am going, and to some degree, who i am. i don't like it. i can't stand it. and its so frustrating because it seems like everyone else's blessings, favor, luck . . . . whatever is just flowing.
me? i have no job. no direction. is it that selfish? hell yes. and i'm fighting that too. fighting that cynical, bitter, pissed off at the world attitude cos i know it won't do anything.
and it seems like all those close to me are worried about is my financial future. honestly, f*** that. thats the last thing i'm worried about. i feel so empty spiritually right now. . . money is my last concern. i feel so alone. like i'm doing this alone. which is probably the case.
on a side note, i don't mean "feel" like the temporary emotional thing. its more like its what i sense, how i feel in the deepest part of me. just to clear that up.
i was thinking about when Christ was called out into the wilderness. first, he had to make the choice to go there. he may have been called, but he still had to choose to go there. i feel like i have chosen to be here. that in a few ways, i was called here, but i didn't know it at the time. but now i can tell thats what it was.
second, the devil appealed to his human-ness. his human needs(food), his human desires(power), and human struggles (doubt - at least thats how i see the temptation of throwing himself off a cliff for the angels to save Him).
third, and most importantly, Christ never gave into them. instead, he was ready with a witty, truth-filled comeback.
what are my temptations? to just give up. to do nothing. to drink. i don't want to give into any of them. i really, really, really don't. i won't drink like that either. i know its not worth it.
but i'm struck by feelings of emptiness. perhaps this is how those to struggle with addictions started out. this feeling of nothingness. now, i know that there is a God, that He loves me, and that i can hold onto His promises, such has Jer. 29:11.
but that doesn't make any of this easy.
i'm going to california on friday morning, which i hope will be a time to relax a bit and find some direction. i'm looking forward to it.
please pray.
be good to each other. look at Christ. peace.
how am i supposed to speak to young people about love and relationships when everything i thought i knew about that stuff has been turned upside down in the last month and a half?
how am i supposed to pay bills when the absolute last thing i'm worried about right now is money?
how i am i supposed to live life to the fullest when i don't even want to get up in the morning?
how am i supposed to mentor/give someone advice about being a christian when thats the last thing i feel like?
i haven't wanted to admit it . . . but i am in a wilderness(seriously, thanks jim). i have no clue what i'm doing, where i am going, and to some degree, who i am. i don't like it. i can't stand it. and its so frustrating because it seems like everyone else's blessings, favor, luck . . . . whatever is just flowing.
me? i have no job. no direction. is it that selfish? hell yes. and i'm fighting that too. fighting that cynical, bitter, pissed off at the world attitude cos i know it won't do anything.
and it seems like all those close to me are worried about is my financial future. honestly, f*** that. thats the last thing i'm worried about. i feel so empty spiritually right now. . . money is my last concern. i feel so alone. like i'm doing this alone. which is probably the case.
on a side note, i don't mean "feel" like the temporary emotional thing. its more like its what i sense, how i feel in the deepest part of me. just to clear that up.
i was thinking about when Christ was called out into the wilderness. first, he had to make the choice to go there. he may have been called, but he still had to choose to go there. i feel like i have chosen to be here. that in a few ways, i was called here, but i didn't know it at the time. but now i can tell thats what it was.
second, the devil appealed to his human-ness. his human needs(food), his human desires(power), and human struggles (doubt - at least thats how i see the temptation of throwing himself off a cliff for the angels to save Him).
third, and most importantly, Christ never gave into them. instead, he was ready with a witty, truth-filled comeback.
what are my temptations? to just give up. to do nothing. to drink. i don't want to give into any of them. i really, really, really don't. i won't drink like that either. i know its not worth it.
but i'm struck by feelings of emptiness. perhaps this is how those to struggle with addictions started out. this feeling of nothingness. now, i know that there is a God, that He loves me, and that i can hold onto His promises, such has Jer. 29:11.
but that doesn't make any of this easy.
i'm going to california on friday morning, which i hope will be a time to relax a bit and find some direction. i'm looking forward to it.
please pray.
be good to each other. look at Christ. peace.
posted by marcelliott at 9:41 PM
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