rejection

i believe that we all have fears that we will be found out. that some dirty secret will show itself, and those close to us will run away. we live in this fear. i live in this fear. this fear of rejection.

i'm not sure exactly where to trace this fear back to. but i'm sure somewhere along the lines an event changed me, and i moved forward forever scarred. maybe it was the feeling that God had placed all these expectations on me, and if i didn't follow all them, i would go to heaven. i used to lay in bed at night scared that the rapture would happen, and i would be left behind.(true story)

maybe it was the fact that i always told i could do better, but i felt like they were saying i wasn't doing good enough. or the condescending looks and words from people to whom i would confess a mess-up, and thereby totally removing the idea of a confession.

whatever it is, it effects me in everything that i do. i don't want to rock the boat, i want to keep those around me happy so that they don't leave me. maybe i'll speak my mind, maybe i won't. maybe i'll be honest, but not totally honest with how i feel because i don't want to upset anything. this isn't just in dating relationships, this is in everything.

i begin to play things out in my mind why people don't call me back, email me back, etc. i screwed up. i said something wrongs. i wrote something in an email that i shouldn't have. i took a joke too far. whatever the reason, i messed up and someone is unhappy with me, its probaby my fault and i need to reconcile. or else i will lose that relationship.

its like there is this list of things that i have check off as i go on with life. . . and i need to meet each one. if not, then i don't measure up. i'm not good enough. i'm not up to snuff.

you don't want me to work here anymore? there is legitimate reason? doesn't matter. . .
you're giving my responsibilities to someone else. . . now that i'm finally home? yeah, that stings. . . but i don't open my mouth . . . say how i really feel, because i don't want to rock the boat.

i'm just starting to get a grasp on this whole thing. now, i'm not trying to throw myself a pity party. . . i just find it easier to write on here than in a journal . . . thats a bit weird. . . but true.

i'm trying to figure out where to go with all this. praying for healing. trying very hard not to have a "f*** it all" attitude, cause that doesn't really do any good.

thats all.

oh yeah, check out matisyahu in the links. . . .hasidic reggae. . .very tight.

be good to each other. look at Christ. peace.