growing up

i've decided to grow up.
at least i've decided to think about growing up.
thats just as big of step, right?

i've also decided to try and make the best of each situation instead of the situation getting the best of me.

i want to be a more kind, gentle and warm person. i think thats who Christ would want me to be. i'll be rowdy when i need to be, be firm when i need to be, but i want to be remember as a caring, flexible, kind person. someone who exhibited the fruits of the spirit. i think that would be good.

i, however, do not want to be nice. nice is fake. being nice is what you do when you see someone that you don't give a shit about, but you smile, say "hi" and stop and make small talk; knowing that you won't remember a thing about this conversation in 5 minutes, and you really don't care whats being said. nice is surface level, and i do not want to be surface level. i'd rather be a sincere jackass than a superficial nice-guy. kindness comes from the heart. it is real, authentic, and takes effort. kindness is intentionally listening. being kind is to be warm.

my mom said to me, "your brother has a warm personality. you kind of have an edge to you."

yeah, i do. it comes as a result of my personality mixing in some crappy environments. but thats letting the situation get the best of me, not me getting the best of the situation. i think that i would rather be the one who smooths the edges off, instead of God forcing it to happen. i think that sort of change pleases God, and causes Him to look down and smile. i would like to strive for that. making God smile. could that be considered worship?

so please be patient with me.
i am working on me.
to be a better me.
and i'm sure i'll be an ass sometimes;
cos i have not arrived yet.
but i see what i could be,
what i want to be,
and i think i should start striving for it.
small steps though,
sometimes real small.
but i am moving.

be good to each other. look at Christ. peace.

fears and facing them

i think i should.

photos

i'm getting back into photography, and i forgot how much i love it.



ok, so i didn't take this one. . . but i'm in front of one of the top five places in the country, hands down.

one of my favorite people.


berries in my grandmother's backyard.

tears

tears.
tears until no more.
no more time.
no more strength.
but in that absence & emptiness
is a wordless hope
for a wordless pain.
and in the black of anger
a beacon will shine.
faint, and just a glimmer
hold onto it.

for brian and wendy gutreuter whose 2.5 year-old daughter, emily grace went to be with the Lord on october 15, 2005.

some thoughts

i find that i have to continue to remind myself that i am where i am for a reason. i tend to get really impatient if things are not moving as quickly as i would like them to.

done some crazy things lately.

jumped off a 15ft building into a bush, was violated by said bush in my butt, got ten dollars for it.

went to bw3's with the defyfam(don't worry, you'll hear more about us soon) and ate some of the blazin' wings. i actually breathed fire. so did preacher, godfather, young one and bamf. definitely funny. they call me the driver.

went into heady hollow to try and scare ourselves. didn't really work. but we got a little lost. i think we were more freaked out by the cops, and the possibility of getting caught by them then by ghost stories. although the legend of heady hollow is kinda freaky.

all three of these events are on video, and you may be seeing them soon.

it has all helped me realize the value of good friends. its good to have them all around and i can't wait to see what we come up with next.

on another note, i have started to meet with a group of friends on thursday mornings and we are going through a new kind of christian by brian mclaren. its a good introduction to the postmodern discussion, which is needed here in the heartland.

i am also helping to start a new faith community for young adults on the northside of indianapolis. it definitely has a pentecostal feel to it and it seems that alot of it is driven by an emotional feeling(in terms of worship), so we'll see where things head. it will definitely be an interesting journey.

oh yeah, this girl is great. so is photoshop, cos then i have fun with pictures.


have a good one.

be good to each other. look at christ. peace.

"i was fallin for you, like the sun did the moon." - tom baxter

new orleans re:visited

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28


its interesting.

we're in baton rouge after a day of work, and we're praying, and someone prays that verse. i do not remember who said it, and it didn't strike me until just recently.

and here are some questions i have. . . not like the ones that get an immediate answer, but ones that need to be chewed on, wrestled with, and then take you even deeper . . .

what if someone doesn't really love God at that moment?
what if they're ticked off?
i mean, what if someone is really pissed off at the fact that they just lost their house to rain and water? do they then feel guily about their emotions?
what qualifies as good and who determines if it is "good?"
is it a state of mind, an attitude, or material possessions that meets the standard of good?
and doesn't the rain fall on the just and unjust alike?
if someone doesn't love God, does that mean that things won't work for good, but rather bad?

maybe this is really a question of how we use this verse. . .

do people feel guilty about not loving God, so they then try to love God, but then that really isn't love. . . like we're unintentionally pressuring people into loving God. . .
or if someone doesn't love God, do they then resent Christians/God feeling that we(christians) believe that bad will come to them because they don't love God?
and what if someone doesn't feel like they've been called by God, because they've never really understood what it means to know that God calls ALL OF US . . .

does this make me doubt who Christ is? no
does this make me doubt my salvation or other's salvation? no
but i am struggling with how we use the bible . . .

any thoughts? feel free to respond and point out areas where i may be off a bit. . . thats what this place is for. . .

be good to each other. look at Christ. peace.

"i could drink a case of you, and still be on my feet" - joni mitchell


**quick little follow-up.
i'm realizing, courtesy of a close friend, that i was frustrated with how people were taking the verse out of context.
therefore, my questions were in not necessarily directed at what the verse actually means, but rather at how the verse has been used and the reactions to that.
i am always for putting the verse into the context of the writer and his/her audience, for that is necessary to get to the root of scripture.
just a thought.**

back from new orleans

so we're back from new orleans.

got back last night around 9:30. i'm exhausted right now. should have worked today, but i needed a bigger ladder to get up to the top of the house of my next job.

its just different being back. hard to get back into the swing of things. trying to get my mind to relax and wrap my mind around what has happened in this past week.

trying to hear that Still Small Voice.

"the present is a gift, and i just wanna be" - common