i am. . .

an emotional wreck.
lonely.
frustrated.
in love.
scared.
hopeful.
in love.
crying.
yelling on the inside.
angry.
anxious.
sick in my stomach.
ready for this to be over.
in love.

but i'm holding onto this right now.

romans 5:3-5
not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. and hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

i have to hold onto hope and to faith. its all i have, really. faith, hope and love in all things, right? thats the only way i see it.

i'm just this emotional ticking time bomb right now. small insignificant things are becoming significant. not because they really are but because emotionally i can only handle so much. i just want to cry . . . all the time!

but we do this, don't we? we allow the small things to bother us, to really put us over the edge, when in reality its the big things under the surface. its the big insecurities and fears that we're afraid to let go of. for some reason, we feel as though we have more control over them if we hold onto them. when in reality, they are eating away at us. and then small things become the tipping point.

while they may, and often are important issues, we normally deal with them through dialogue that shows care, support and love. but when we're at the tipping point, dialogue is the last thing that we want. we say the coments that dig, that hurt, that go deep.

but we're afraid to admit our insecurities. being in a new environment right now has increased my awareness of my insecurities. i come face to face with my fears on a daily basis and i really don't want to. i don't want to give them up. but i guess its time.

am i the only one who deals with this?

be good to each other. look at Christ. peace.

home

home has nothing to do with a place.

i mean, it can. . . but its not dependent on it. rather home is when you are complete. when that person, or those people around you are ALL there, and everyone makes each other complete.

the place you sleep, eat, bathe, watch tv, etc. is just a building. its the people inside it that make it home. see, the building that is my house is back in indiana. but my new residence is here in socal. and i'm trying to make it home.

and to be sure, i have great people around me that are making this place seem more like home. but it can't be home until she's here. she makes it home. when i think of life down the line, i want to come home to her. those two things go together. mckinna & home.

someday. until then, going to bed is hard. driving home is hard. eating alone is hard. sleeping alone is hard. because its all alone. and yes, i'm sure i'll grow up alot in this season. and i'm sure the distance will be good for us, or whatever. actually, no. i'm dealing with the distance because it's what has to be done. but i'm not excited about it. i'm excited for it to be over. i'm excited for the day that its no longer, "i'll see you in two and a half weeks." that day can't come soon enough.

and please don't tell me about how God has great plans for me, and this is all part of plan, and how i shouldn't doubt God. because i know all of that. i'm not doubting anything. i am not doubting God's soveriegnity, or how God cares for His children. none of that. it just sucks right now, k?

thanks.

be good to each other. look at Christ. peace.