fishing

i spent monday morning fishing up on silver lake with my brothers john and nathan(no, not biological), nathan's wife jill, and nathan's parents. i don't know if i have ever seen something that peaceful in a long time.

life is so busy. i'm alway doing something: painting, ministry, eating . . . whatever. and even though we were doing something(fishing), it seemed as though we were doing nothing. we were just being. there was rest that morning, at the crack of dawn. ok, so it was almost 8, but who's keeping track.

the point is, i don't rest enough. i don't take the time to relax, to be calm, to not worry. i feel like i always have to be doing something.

as tired as i was driving home, it was worth it. i was physically tired, but i was spiritually refreshed. i saw God in the sun peeking out from behind the clouds, in the way the sand dunes rose and fell along the shore, in the beauty of the bass, croppie, and perch that we caught. i saw God in the glass-like appearance of the water, in friendships that were strengthened and in the conversations i had with brother driving home.

yes, i was driving home to work. and i was driving home fast, because i was late . . . very late. my foreman/boss/partner wasn't thrilled, but i always appreciate his flexibility. extremely appreciate it.

but it's something that you leave with. its a renewed passion, a new fervor for being better. because we could all stand to be better, especially those of us who call ourselves the people of God. we can do better.

i have always valued rest and relaxation. some might say i value it too much. but i don't want to lose it's importance. yes, we should work hard. i never said we shouldn't. but we should also play hard. have a good theology of play.

on that note, i'm going to bed.

be good to each other. look at Christ. peace.

death

a week ago tonite at this very time, my grandmother, Kathryn Higgins Murnane died. my dad's mom. my grandpa found her in bed. she had gone to be with the Lord in her sleep on july 15, 2005. she was 75.

needless to say, this has been an interesting week. death doesn't allow for anything to be normal, even though it is the one thing we are all assured of.

its hard, because i want her to be there when i go over to see my grandpa. i want to talk baseball with her. i want to tell her i love her. and i know i will be able to one day. but because i held things against her, many of which weren't actual but simply thought, or even feared, i didn't.

seeing her lying in the casket, looking very peaceful brought so much closure. it was even too much at times.

death brings to mind those issues that you don't want to deal with. insecurities, rejection, fear, etc. we have two very clear choices - 1. deal with it. 2. run away.

i choose door #1. because i don't want to have to go through this again.

if you love someone, let them know. you may not be able to say it, and it may not be wise to say it, but that doesn't mean you can't show it.
if you're scared of something, face it head on.
if you have dreams, follow them. we hear that so many times and pass it off as bullshit, but its not. it is so not bullshit.
in all things, follow your heart.
love Jesus. love others.
cherish those around you.
be yourself. . . . don't let anyone else determine what yourself is.

and most of all, i truly believe that the most important questions do not revolve around whether or not we'll go to heaven.

the most important questions revolve around whether or not we are doing our part to bring the kingdom of heaven to earth. they revolve around doing kingdom work. see the following post.

be good to each other. look at Christ. peace.

salvation of the world

"to believe in God is to believe in the salvation of the world. the paradox of our time is that those who believe in God do not believe in the salvation of the world, and those who believe in the future of the world do not believe in God.

christians believe in "the end of the world," they expect the final catastrophe, the punishment of others.

atheists in their turn . . . refuse to believe in God because Christians believe in Him and take no interest in the world . . .

which is the more culpable ignorance?

. . . I often say to myself that, in our religion, God must feel very much alone: for is there anyone besides God who believes in the salvation of the world? God seeks among us sons and daughters who resemble him enough, who love the world enough so that he could send them into the world to save it." - Louis Evely, In the Christian Spirit (Image, 1975)

this is not the salvation that means "lets get your butt into heaven and out of hell" but more of a social justice type definition, but its even more than that. coming from a very conservative and almost fundamental background, i find myself gravitating towards the "eternal" salvation aspect . . . when there is so much more to salvation. when the Isrealites said that God was their salvation in getting out Egypt, He was their salvation from living in bondage, and He rescued them from that way of living.

and these words don't even begin to grasp the full meaning of that word . . . salvation.

any thoughts?

hold me jesus

well sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
when the mountains look so big
and my faith just seems so small

so hold me Jesus
'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
you have been King of my glory
won't You be my Prince of Peace

and I wake up in the night
and feel the dark
it's so hot inside my soul
i swear there must be blisters on my heart

so hold me Jesus
'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
you have been King of my glory
won't You be my Prince of Peace

surrender don't come natural to me
i'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
than to take what You give that I need
and I've beat my head against so many walls
now I'm falling down
i'm falling on my knees

and this Salvation Army band is playing this hymn
and Your grace rings out so deep
it makes my resistance seem so thin

i'm singing hold me Jesus
'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
you have been King of my glory
won't You be my Prince of Peace
you have been King of my glory
won't You be my Prince of Peace

by rich mullins

how am i . . . .

how am i supposed to lead worship for a communion night when the last thing i want to do is worship?

how am i supposed to speak to young people about love and relationships when everything i thought i knew about that stuff has been turned upside down in the last month and a half?

how am i supposed to pay bills when the absolute last thing i'm worried about right now is money?

how i am i supposed to live life to the fullest when i don't even want to get up in the morning?

how am i supposed to mentor/give someone advice about being a christian when thats the last thing i feel like?

i haven't wanted to admit it . . . but i am in a wilderness(seriously, thanks jim). i have no clue what i'm doing, where i am going, and to some degree, who i am. i don't like it. i can't stand it. and its so frustrating because it seems like everyone else's blessings, favor, luck . . . . whatever is just flowing.

me? i have no job. no direction. is it that selfish? hell yes. and i'm fighting that too. fighting that cynical, bitter, pissed off at the world attitude cos i know it won't do anything.

and it seems like all those close to me are worried about is my financial future. honestly, f*** that. thats the last thing i'm worried about. i feel so empty spiritually right now. . . money is my last concern. i feel so alone. like i'm doing this alone. which is probably the case.

on a side note, i don't mean "feel" like the temporary emotional thing. its more like its what i sense, how i feel in the deepest part of me. just to clear that up.

i was thinking about when Christ was called out into the wilderness. first, he had to make the choice to go there. he may have been called, but he still had to choose to go there. i feel like i have chosen to be here. that in a few ways, i was called here, but i didn't know it at the time. but now i can tell thats what it was.

second, the devil appealed to his human-ness. his human needs(food), his human desires(power), and human struggles (doubt - at least thats how i see the temptation of throwing himself off a cliff for the angels to save Him).

third, and most importantly, Christ never gave into them. instead, he was ready with a witty, truth-filled comeback.

what are my temptations? to just give up. to do nothing. to drink. i don't want to give into any of them. i really, really, really don't. i won't drink like that either. i know its not worth it.

but i'm struck by feelings of emptiness. perhaps this is how those to struggle with addictions started out. this feeling of nothingness. now, i know that there is a God, that He loves me, and that i can hold onto His promises, such has Jer. 29:11.

but that doesn't make any of this easy.

i'm going to california on friday morning, which i hope will be a time to relax a bit and find some direction. i'm looking forward to it.

please pray.

be good to each other. look at Christ. peace.