the state of unrest

we are creatures of comfort. always have been, always will be. unless we make the concerted effort to change. but that change takes us out of our comfort.

we like to stay exactly where we are. maybe i should call this blog . . . changes.

we like whats convienent. because we don't have to work at anything, we can just chill. its what i like to do. but God is definitely into more than just me chilling, because i definitely can't now. its all in that spirit of unrest. a period of havoc.

what i think i want to do, i end up not doing. what i always thought and swore that i wouldn't do, i now want to do. i'm thinking about going into ministry. . . i swear i always thought that that was the last thing i would do. but its what i have a passion for.

sometimes we need to be awakened from out of a state of complacency, convienence. because i definitely can't do anything thats convienent now.

my very first post was about how we create bubbles and how much we like to stay in them. then i go out and create these bubbles and they are all busting up.

job? about to be gone.
relationship? gone.
security? gone.
ministry spot? never the same each week.

and then He is what i am left with. its not profound or anything, but thats where i'm at. we all need to get to that point, because if we're anywhere else we trust in ourselves. maybe thats what poor in spirit means.

we must fight the battle against being comfortable. we always talk about going outside of our comfort zones on missions trips in other countries, a physical comfort zone where we feel awkward around a different group of people.

but what about a spiritual comfort zone? when we feel so secure in what is going on in our lives, that we feel so certain that we are heading in the right direction, that all the answers are so easy. . . . .cause those never really seem to last. leaving that comfort zone and getting to the point where we have to trust in something beyond ourselves. where we are only left with He who has redeemed us, called us by name, and died so that we may have life.

if we just wait for God to do something. . . tell us directly which way to head, i think we might be disappointed. just start moving towards Him . . . and He will direct your path. thats a promise. forget where. . .but its a promise.

so in a state of unrest, i choose to continue to move. praying that He directs my path, that i can be a blessing to those around me. believing that there are great things in store. . .

but i gotta keep moving thats for real, cos baby ain't no standin' still.

be good to each other. look at Christ. cheers.

ps . . . .sorry if i rambled . . . its late and i'm trying to flush this stuff out. . .

europe last summer

i was in europe last summer.
it was awesome.
here are some pictures.
i love them.

job

after friday, i don't have a job.
that sucks.
but at the same time, i'm kinda excited.
cos i think some very cool things are happening.
so hopefully fuller works out.
its my only option left.

the thing about the job is that its not that i was doing a bad job. on the contrary. my boss said that if the company was going to continue in the same direction it was heading, he wouldn't hesitate to increase my pay and bring me on salary.

but they're not. they're moving towards being a software company, and me being the project manager of the print division . . . well they just don't go together.

soooooo . . . anyone got a job for me?

blah blah blah

so i'm sitting at work right now.
its 3:50 pm on friday.
i'm listening to my boo by usher and alicia keys.
and i am extremely bored.
and tired.
and frustrated.

i'm caught up in a thought about the difference between wishing and desire, and the fundamental difference between the two. wishing doesn't lead to anything except a good daydream. however, a desire fuels action. it can be any sort of desire. anger, love, hate, jealousy, to change the world, to win someone over. whatever the desire is we act on it.

i think i'm wishing too much and consequently letting those wishes stay where they are. i think i'm one of those people in Bruce Almighty who just asks for things, expecting a return immediately.

sometimes God doesn't respond immediately to our prayers so that we'll stay and talk some more.

i'm just praying - aka wishing - that things will happen, instead of doing something about it myself. its a tough spot to be at. in fact, i really don't like it. because it calls my selfish nature out into the open, and i reallyreallyreally don't like that.

so now my question - prayer - is how do i turn that corner? how do i go from wishing to desiring and therefore acting on that desire. actually bring about a change in something. i confess, i'm a great at talking. i'm great at writing.

but its all utter bullshit. unless i move from wishing to desiring. and from there to action.

God - help me desire instead of wish. please.

be good to each other. look at Christ. cheers

global warming. . . . argh

read this article and then post what you think.

honestly, this goes beyond party allegiances. we are killing our planet, and eventually everything in it.

we have a republican who gets the picture more than most of his party and a democrat who understands that this is not just a party issue. i mean, they tried to get this legislation to pass in 2003, but everyone claims the economy will suffer. why?

oh yeah, and did you hear the story about how a white house aide would change the language of environment reports so that the language was not as direct? google that.

ridiculous.

a poem full of cheezy-ness . . . .oh well

it’s a doorway to the unknown
to passion, to love, to hope
it takes me away into higher places
above the trees, in clouds, to celestial spaces
your lips part slowly
eyes open ever so slightly
dimples come from out-of-nowhere
wait for it. . . it just might be. . .
yup. its your smile.


cheesy? yeah. i know.

whatever. i like it.

its just about how a girl smiling at a guy can make his day.
or a smile can make anyone's day.
so smile. ok?

life to the fullest

i was reminded by a good friend tonite to live life to the fullest and how important it is to not forget that. and how incredibly important it is to remember that is what God wants for us. its just funny because our idea for life to the fullest can be different than what God's idea of life to the fullest is.

we can't forget to dream. and dream big. what are the deepest desires of our heart? because those are there for a reason. those dreams and passions are where we meet God, where we feel God's pleasure(see Chariots of Fire). what we know to be true deep inside of cannot be ignored. and it won't be ignored.

i'm really getting into some serious 80's music. 99 red balloons, walking on sunshine, hungry like the wolf and chameleon just to name a few songs. its great stuff. i'd really like to cover some of them, redo them; stuff like that.

i've also been challenged at what love is. again. true love. Christ-like love. Jesus didn't tell people to change and then come to him. He said to just come to Him. and then He will help us make those changes. this comes from a program in chicago that is run by the chicago recovery alliance. they run a needle exchange for drug addicts. now, no one is saying that what they are doing is good, but they are a life. and life is precious to God.

i'll be honest. i didn't totally agree with the program at first. but the more i thought about, prayed about it, i saw God working through that program. any positive change is just that: a positive change. redundant statement? yes. important statement? even more so. do i want people to be addicts? uh, no. but do i want them to live in order that they may one day find life to the fullest? hmmm. . . . .yes. .(thank you K for this. i hope i didn't overgeneralize, or oversimplify anything. feel free to correct me if i missed something - you are being Christ to those people)

i also think that it is vitally important to make sure we're not waging war on users, but dealers; but that is a completely different story.

we all have addictions; some just worst than others. some more visible than others. but lets call them all by the same name. addictions. and we want to hide them. for more on what we hide, check out this post.

anyways, i'm going to bed.

oh yeah, i can be computer retarded sometimes, but i finally figured out how to post pictures.


be good to each other. look at Christ. cheers.

two posts in two days - how 'bout that

uncertainty can lead to one of two things. faith or despair. i'm pullin' for the former.

the whole lemonade from lemons things fails to comprehend the need for sugar. ya gotta have the sweet goodness.

there is serious discussion happening to head to california this fall. kpaul and i are going to fuller. at least i think. if they let me in. thats gonna be the tricky part. but i'm scared to jump in with both feet. i mean, i want to get out of here(read midwest, biblebelt, indiana, compassionate conservatism, whatever) but i like the familiarity that is here.

so yes. i, marcelliottmurnane, am scared. kind of. i mean, i don't like to admit it. but i will just this once. so don't go telling everyone. but i think that usually a good place to be at. scared of what could happen. . . but its a fear of change. and i, who talk so much about change am afraid to go through it. figures.

so this is something that i'll have to jump in with both feet. just go for the gusto.

thats kinda been the story of my life. i usually do take the safe route. take the most secure way. so maybe thats part of all this too.

its like the crazy hurricane is wreaking havoc all around me. . . but i'm in the center of it all. . .just chilling. . . where the peace is. . .

where are you all at? any confusion at all? am i the only one who is feeling like this?

and yes i know. . . i should read the post below. . .but much of the post below came from these thoughts. . . .so there. . .gotta have the cause and the effect. . .

be good to each other. look at Christ. peace

the mystery of God

so i'm supposed to speak tomorrow night on the mystery of God.

huh. how can i speak about something thats a mystery? i mean, seriously . . . . how do you talk about something that you are struggling to get your brain around?

but i think i've been approaching it all wrong.

how many times have we remarked that we don't know what God wants us to do? That we don't know our calling, what we should do with our lives, etc. . . . .

a dear friend told me something. "its not that we don't know what the right thing to do is. we do know. we just don't want to do it."

its not that we don't know what God wants us to do. in fact, we do know. we just don't want to do it. we want the specific direction. we want the laid out plans, the annual program, and the process that will take us where we are going. how often have i got caught up in trying to figure out what i'm supposed to do with my life. . . . i can't even begin to say often i think about that during the week.

i think its in our nature to not embrace mystery, though. we want to plan things out. figure out where we'll be in 4.5 years. what kind of job we'll have, who we'll be married to, how much money we'll be making, etc. its trusting that God will take care of things (see Matt. 6:25-34).

C.S. Lewis writes in Screwtape Letters about how getting caught up in the future will detract us from living for today. its not thinking about our future in heaven that creates problems, but dwelling on what will happen tomorrow, and the day after that. . . .instead of focusing on getting the most out of today. its okay to not know whats going to happen tomorrow, or the next day, or in they next year. but thats not our nature. thats definitely not my nature.

i'm a dreamer. i could sit and daydream about all the things i want to do. but in the daydreaming, i lose sight of what i could be doing today. today matters. does tomorrow matter? absolutely. but i can't do anything about it yet. so i have to make today count.

to embrace the mystery of God is to trust His plans(Jer. 29:11), and to live a life of worship.

but there is more to the mystery. He loves us. that he accepts us in our human, frail, and failed condition. that He redeems us. we did nothing to deserve this. but its there for us. all of us. ALL of us. we don't choose who is offered this salvation. and what does salvation mean anyways?(another topic for another time) i believe that Christ weeps for those that are living in pain and wants them to know that He loves them, regardless of whether or not they love Him back.

i don't pretend to understand all of this. thats why its called a mystery (hinthintnudgenudgewinkwink). but i'm starting to understand how to embrace that mystery. we embrace it in a desire to make today matter. in trust that God will provide all that we need. in faith that tomorrow will come, and will soon be today.

so i say to you, dear reader. . . .make today matter. . . allow the mystery of tomorrow to be there. trust in Him who promises to provide. for faith is to be sure of the things that we can't see. without mystery, where would faith be? we probably wouldn't need it(at least i think - i have to chew on that for a minute).

let me know if i'm making sense. i'm supposed to talk about this stuff.

be good to each other. look at Christ. cheers

m

what we hide

we all hide things. its our nature as humans. we don't want the ugliness to be exposed. it doesn't matter what you believe, who you believe in or how strong you believe it. we all have something to hide.

its not fun to think about and its definitely not fun to do anything about it. confronting it is not something to look forward to, nor confessing it. we all have something that we don't want anyone else to know about. it could embarrass us, destroy us, destroy others or all of the above. secrets don't play favorites, but they always play games.

i am coming to grips with my own faults and failures. its not easy. never really is. but if i am going to continue to grow as person - as a man of God - this confrontation is necessary.

this is the grotesqueness that is sin. it is sneaks in, gradually builds up, gets you while your defenses are down, and then festers. whatever it is - it festers. it doesn't have to be something that you actually do, it could just be in your mind. but it grows until its out of control, and then you don't know exactly how it happened, but its this big monster and you don't want anyone to know about it because they'd certainly look down on you for having such a dark secret.

so we hide it more.(i realize that i continue to change perspectives as i write. such is blogging.) its not easy, but we make excuses. we do whatever we have to do so that no one will ever find out.

but then someone asks tough questions. questions that can't be skirted around, and all of a sudden we're face to face with the beast we dred the most. so finally, and almost unwillingly, we confess.

and a weight that we had been dragging around by our necks is suddenly lightened a bit. so we talk about it a bit more, and it becomes a bit lighter. and if there is someone that we needed to specifically confess to, we do, and it all of a sudden, we wonder why hadn't spoke up earlier.

the problem is, sometimes its too late. and you don't want it to be, but it is. does that make it all worth nothing? hell no. but that doesn't mean you can stop dealing with it. see, we are all in process in every area of our lives. we are either going forward or back. so if we don't deal with it on a daily basis. . . well thats not really the best direction to head. we must continue to heal, continue to work out salvation in fear and trembling, knowing that we can't make it on our own.(thanks bono)

see thats what it means to be truly set free from sin. upon first glance, it doesn't make much sense. we see the bible as a book of rules. we miss the freedom that is given to us. see, i don't have to live in fear that any dark secrets will overtake me. i don't have to be trapped by what i struggle with. Christ's death frees me, frees us from that.

the opposite of fear is faith. and when we place that faith in that which cannot be destroyed we are given freedom. we are given grace. we are given power. power over that which seeks to steal, kill and destroy.

freedom to live in the abundant grace that is God's love.

at first glance, i don't like the secret monsters. on a second glance, i don't like what those secrets will do to me.

we all need that rest and freedom. i encourage you to find it today. He's waiting to freely give it to you.

be good to each other. look at Christ. cheers

m*